3 Born in Dusk

Sometimes life teaches us after letting us make mistakes for a long time. You have to learn certain things not through books, but through your experiences. The same philosophy, which so many people had told you before… huh? Let it be, hear it from a different mouth once again.
I had always been one among the best few. I don’t boast about myself, but that’s what it had always been. An all rounder in college, with an impressive placement in a multinational company, hard earned through sleepless nights in the 6th semester. The management was impressed. Department people were happy. We brought placement records to the electronics department. We were invited to share our success stories in front of others. My friends and myself did what our seniors failed to do. When they badly failed to get into BPOs even, we got into MNCs off the campus, pity our college wasn’t in the list of the IT giants. May be because of their curse, bad luck started creeping in… the IT down turn came. People lost jobs, selected people were not absorbed in. things were getting worse when we dint have any new placements coming up.
My lesson is something not exactly connected to this, but the discussion has a little part to play. I sill remember the date. It was 3rd of December 08. Me and 5 of my friends went to attend an off campus recruitment conducted by Sysofni. I came to know about that a few days before the day of the interview. So I made a point that I will do the best on my part, even though I would get eliminated in the very first round. I studied the interview pattern carefully, and went completely through the tips provided by the previously selected candidates. I knew I would never make it up, because, the competition was rising like hell each moment.
On the morning of 3rd, we guys met up a place, deciding to go together where the interview was held. I was dressed fine, what am I going to lose? Even if I lost the aptitude round, I could at least gain the envious look of few girls and admiring look of a few boys. All over the way we went teasing and making fun of each other, occasionally checking with the formulae and short cuts. The written test went real smooth, spending more than 2 hours with dashing Sysofni men who conducted the process. Here, don’t come to any conclusion yet. I enjoyed the test quite well. I did the aptitude side okay-okay and did justice to the English part. We came out and had nice chat planning about what we would be doing after we completed BE. Begging was the unanimous option that came out. Lunch time went away in a jiffy and the results were to be announced. We were the last gang to move in. we took seats getting ready to call the people who got selected with bad names. When they said that only 10 got short listed, I couldn’t sit in my seat. I wanted to grab my bag and get into the bus. I would secure a seat at least there. But in spite of that I was sitting there, waiting with hope that at least one of my friends would get selected. Nothing happened till the 6th name. When the 7th name was read, there was a huge deafening applause around me, and I couldn’t understand a thing. It was my own damn name which was being repeated by the person who was announcing. Friends pushed me and my legs carried me away automatically. I was thinking back. I thought that a few guys would notice me, but now there were more than 700 guys looking at me, enviously. I was happy and ashamed, so suddenly. I made up mind that one moment; I would never again try to impress a guy through my physical appearance.
A few hours back, I was whispering into my friend’s ear “why wouldn’t that Sysofni guy in crisp white shirt and French beard care to give me a little glance? His smile is great…why won’t he come and ask me for my marks card??....”
When I went up to front, the man in crisp white shirt and French beard smiled at me. I wasn’t excited by that, though I dint forget to return the smile. He congratulated me on clearing the tough first round and said he wanted me to give my best the next day in the HR round. But even before that I had made up my mind on what I was going to do the next day.
And he did ask for my marks card.
The next day I was the last to hurry into the conference room, afraid about the bad impression I was going to make. But instead I was greeted by upwardly curved lips, hidden by a French beard.
How I lost the interview that day is unimportant. I know I made a impression on the HR person, who continued chatting with me and laughing at my jokes for half an hour even after he said straight away that my chances of making to the short list was difficult; I know I had the day’s longest unsuccessful interview; and above all, I learnt a lesson the previous evening- the power of the inside personality over the biological frame work.
When was travelling back home, my sister who accompanied me that day took my hands and looked into my tear filled eyes and said she was sorry for me; that she was happy for the sleepless night I spent working before this day. I told her ‘yeah, I am also happy for the last night that went sleepless and for the evening which woke me up from a virtual sleep…’ I know that she would have perceived that in a different sense. But I care the least; I was relieved that I let one person know that I had woken up at last.
We got out of the bus, and I told her I had to celebrate that day, for the lesson that I learnt for myself.
She was excited… she liked cheese pizzas.

2 Understanding relationships:

Understanding relationships:
Inter relationship:
These are some dialogs in a relationship. If you do this, then I will do that for you. If you don’t do this, then I will not do that for u. when love depends on ‘what you do’ and ‘what you don’t’, it disturbs the flow in the relationship. When conditions succeed, love fails. Where love succeeds, there will be no conditions. When too many conditions and rules are laid in a relation, it brings too much of mind into the relationship. Relationship being a matter of the heart, with too many conditions, the spontaneity of the relationship is lost. The net result is insecurity in the relationship, “Hey! He is not relating to me, but to my actions. I am not loved for what I am, but what I do and what I am expected ‘not to’. If this relation has to flow, then I have to keep doing things that would please him.” Now, with such a thought process, there are only 2 possibilities.
The first possibility: I want to be ‘me’, and so much I want to be ‘me’ that I will let go of that relationship, which doesn’t allow me to be ‘me’. Once, twice, thrice… when repeatedly my relationships fall apart, and all that is because I wanted to be me, I become insecure. Helplessly, the question creeps into mind, “Why is that no one is able to accept me for what I am?” after that, as you step into any new relationship, the thought process is, “what should I do to save at least this relationship?”
The second possibility: I want the relationship so much that I am willing to do anything and everything for the sake of pleasing him. I don’t care what I lose, but I want to save the relationship. My values, my principles, my originality, my priorities… in effect, my very life goes for a toss, for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. Eventually, I become manipulative. For the sake of the relationship, I start thinking, what if I do, how if I do, what if I don’t… will he be pleased with me. Every time after doing something I anxiously wait to see- what will be his reaction? This anxious wait makes me insecure. This everyday struggle to keep the relationship going makes me feel less about myself, and that makes me insecure.
Love is love, only when what you do and what you don’t does not alter my love for you. we call that unconditional love. Hmmm… if love is not unconditional, it is not love at all. Be unconditional in your love. Let them know, adults as well as children, no matter what they do, no matter what they don’t, you will love them the same forever. Be that source of security. Finding an unconditional lover is a consequence. Being an unconditional lover is a choice. Wanting an unconditional lover in your life makes you dependent. The best word you can utter in a relationship is “I will love you the same forever…’ if your love depends on the relationship, then you will not be able to say this. Relationship is a fluctuating phenomenon. Your love too fluctuates.

Intra-relationship:
This is nothing but your relationship with yourself. I can give only what I have. If I have ignorance, I can give only my ignorance. If I have wisdom, then I can give you my wisdom. Prosperity or poverty, I can share only what I have. If I don’t love myself, I can’t love others. If I can’t stand myself, I will not be able to stand anyone. If I don’t accept myself for what I am, I will not be able to accept myself for what I am; I will not be able to accept you for what you are. If I haven’t forgiven myself, I can’t forgive you. Whatever I need to give the world, it must first start with me.


Spiritual relationship:
The all important relationship is the spiritual relationship- relationship with the god.
How long can the lava retain its heat after leaving the volcano? How long can life go on without the source of energy, the sun? Where is the question of an effect without the cause? If you remove the sun from the sunrays, there are no more sunrays. If you remove the gold from the necklace, then there is no more a necklace. If you remove mud from a pot, there is no more a pot. Similarly, if you remove that source of life from you, from me, from our relationships, then nothing remains. Through prayers, through meditation, through the way you live your life, by the purity of your thoughts and feelings, by blemishless character, by devotion, surrender and faith, by doing, by non-doing…. Whatever be your ways… by all the ways live a life where you feel his presence all the time. When this one relationship is going right, life takes care of itself. For the first time you will understand the expression “My life is flowing…”

Source: Frozen thoughts

0 Experimenting with a Common but Unique feeling through the analysis of a simple event:

Hey, the title looks like some IEEE paper, doesn’t it? But don get frightened that I m going to blow you with some technical maniac stuff. It’s something with a simple architecture but holding very complicated properties. Broken heart… we have heard so many people talk about it. Well I thought… what exactly is this broken heart fuss all about? And I understand that more clearly now.
I saw a friend of mine and happened to spend time with her and through her I understood this is how a broken heart would be.
The term ‘Broken Heart’ is not specific only for love. That was the first observation that I made. Fine, this girl I know had a very close friend and this guy came into her life only a few months ago. What started as a g-mail, chat turned into phone conversations and occasional meetings. Things went real fine for this girl because, she was a broken heart in fact (this time I mean the love kinda broken heart) and as this guy came in, he made her feel better with his words. But he too wasn’t an easy-to-go with type. His best side was hooded by another darker side, anger. He used to get angry with her for silly reasons. Well, we all know that there are always fights in all relations, especially in friendship; this is no misunderstanding… but better understanding. How would one feel when the shade he has confined in starts burning him? That’s exactly how the girl felt.
He helped her in her career, but shouted at her at times. He helped her go to places she dint know, taking leave from his office, but let her lost in her solitude at times. He helped her sort out things, but confused her by hurting her through his word at times. Sometimes he was her 100% but sometimes the 0%. He was sometimes a huge wave which ebbed her to heights of joy, but sometimes the receding wave letting her writhe in the sand. But what ever he did, he still came to her. He knew that this girl was helpless. The girl knew that she could do nothing without him. They knew each other much better. She knew what he liked, what he hated and thus did things accordingly. There were no fights between them for some 1.5 months. But will any pendulum stay back without swinging…? It came down banging. A few small words that came out of her mouth took the wrong form when they got frightened by the huge air outside her mouth. When this reached him, it set off the TNT. Bang!!! There came another fight. But she dint understand what exactly she did. During all these days she had learnt how to go with him, accepting what he says, knowing that it was meant for her good. But here I need to tell you something. What the girl liked in him was the very anger that she hated in him. She loved to play with him and irritate him. But this time she gave an extra dose of each of them. But there was one thing she never understood. When he fought with her, she explicitly told him how much she liked him, how much she needed him and how much he meant to her. And it was neither a rehearsed play nor a well framed script. That was the coarse form of the feeling that she had within her for him. She added nothing to them, took away nothing. But these words failed to touch his heart, no, not even his ears in the first place, and may be it was just because it was nothing more that truth. She wondered how she can make him understand how she exactly felt. She was helpless. On one hand, she was afraid to respond to his anger, because if she did, it would make things worse. On the other hand, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut… that doesn’t mean that she shouted at him back, but she cried out how much she loved him, and how much she wanted him not to fight with her. She thought that those words would go like water putting off his fire, but she couldn’t understand how those words turned into alcohol kindling the fire even more vigorously. After a while, she gave up fighting, because the pain of being hurt, because the weapon of love was hurting too much than she could bear. She succumbed to the intensity of the condition. A lump formed in her throat and blocked her breath. Heat spread through her torso, vaporizing her sleep. A coat of ice deposited on the body from outside, freezing her smile. It tightened her body so hard that it squeezed out tears from her eyes. Seems to be the symptoms of some odd disease, doesn’t it?
REPORT: Well this is what is called as a heart break. The chronic kind is caused by the wounds given by a close friend. There is no cure for heart break as of now, but little dose of love from him can patch the pieces up. But how long will that take? Pieces should be beating till he comes back. She is holding them waiting for that one day.
Hey pals, understood what I said? If you understood all this without having to question your brain, you certainly should have known what a heart break means. Well, if you still dint understand what all these and how this petty thing can cause pain… fine I tell u just one single line, “Congrats Buddy!!! Your heart is to too hard to be broken…”

1 A THEORY IN AN ANIMAL’S VIEW

Well, in this article, I am going to share my views with you on some fact which exists already. But I am going to develop this into a theory and I name it as “Inversion of circumstances”. We can very well consider so many situations to understand this concept, which we come across everyday. Starting from dawn to dusk, and from the birth to death…
Let me get down a bit simpler. As far I was under graduation, everything appeared to be so simple. The toughest competition considered was either within the class, or at the most within the college. It was almost like being domesticated, or to be short, was like that of living in a sanctuary (Pardon me for using this word here, because I thought that this was more apt, for we are Animals indeed…!). Being tamed was neither painful, nor uncomfortable. Just as a tiger which gets its own fierceness dampened at the sight of the steak, I got used to get compromised with the things I got, though I deserved something better at times. Anyhow, no matter even if the thriving, rather, surviving conditions were hard at me, I felt safe. I felt safe, just because I thought that was home, and may be I failed to smell the outer world.
But after the completion of the 4 successful years of graduation, things came into a better view. Yeah, I was on the loose into a new wilderness from the warmth of the easy going sanctuary. I was flabbergasted at the sight of the huge number of creatures like me, going in search of the same pasture and oasis just like me; whose existence I almost doubt now. I haven’t traveled much, but my legs tremble and ache, looking at the blood-thirsty attacks made on fellow creatures and the betrayal performed like some daily routine…..!
I am tired, fine, but I am not going to give up my journey… I don’t want to grow my belly with someone else’s hunt. I have started to get the hunter’s instincts but I am a mound of clay that is wet still. I have the drive within and I am sure that I will somehow find my destination. All I am feeling now is the thirst, and I fervently wish that I find the right path before I succumb to this thirst. That’s why I am waiting in this hide, watching my fellow beings move past me, traveling in all directions. I feel the urge to get back on my knees each time I see a creature pass by, but I am going to be unusually patient this time. I will wait till their body scents go off the air… then I can sniff and find my way towards my pasture.
So things got inverted from what they were when I was inside the college. People’s character got inverted; views got inverted; even love got inverted… well in this inversion I will start my invasion. I am certainly not going to act like Napoleon, for I have a different target.
Huh oh, its getting dark… wait, I see a light far away… may be I can find something out there… there are skeletons In that path, should I follow them or take a different route…? Did they die contented of living a better life, or did they die before contentedly knowing what life was? What ever it is, wait till I come back, if at all I come back…

2 SEPARATION…

Today, the date is 31.05.09 and I am writing this down at 1.44 am.
Well, this is a season of separation for me. Yes, my UG is over and friends are moving out one by one back to their native. So many days together… with so much fun, so much laughter, so many fights and so many tears… all lay deep in my heart. As long as we have water near by, we won’t feel thirsty. The same way, till this moment, I dint realize how much separation would hurt me. But it is more than I expected, and heavier than I thought I could put up with. I never spent even minutes, thinking of what I will be doing without looking at my friends daily in college and winding off time with them. But now, all I am doing is thinking of how I am going to overcome this sick feeling. Because, this surrounds me at unexpected times, and suffocates me with its bitter sweet nature. This is the feeling with my best pals, who I had been seeing and talking and eating with for four solid years. I cry under my bed sheet, till my pillow went wet. This hurts so much, may be because I won’t be teasing or walking around with or study with.

But there is one person, whom I never met in person. All I know is his voice and the JPG form of his face. All we ever shared was words. There were so many times that I thought it would be better if I had him somewhere near…! I never walked with him or ate with him; I never roamed around with him or fought with him even once… I know him only for months. But still, when he went some where far away, again I felt the same throbbing feeling as with my friends whom I had known for ages. Till then I had graded my friends based on how long I had know them and how long I had been with them. But I don’t know how to grade this man. I don’t understand what happened to my rule here. May be this is what a good relation is. Yes, we have difference in age, in ideas, in thoughts, in habit and in faiths. But there is some refined form of friendship that keeps me with him. May be this is a power which makes even wolves fight for their pack, and may be this is the one which made my heart heavy when he left, and may be this is the one which is making me write for the blog at this time.
I know that the world is round and we keep meeting our loved ones always, the old story said again and again. Old story yet so true… the same technology which gave me an introduction to these precious people will as well take care of my love and affection for them. We can’t accept a new mom or new dad or new siblings. But we accept these angels called friends, because it’s inscribed in our senses that they are a part of our functioning… and now I understand. Now I understand why my heart aches so much when they go away, and why I fear the word ‘separation’…. because a part of my functioning stays miles away from me… love you people for ever.
Love,
Vidhu

1 REASONS UNDISCOVERED

There are a few questions hanging in my mind, for which I am struggling to get to know the answers. But I thought, rather struggling alone, I could share my views with you… so that you can compare the similar events that might have happened somewhere in your life. Let me start explaining things right away, in which I am not a very good expert.
First of all, I would like to ask a single question to you. Make an honest reply, and keep it to your heart while we proceed to the rest of the reflections.
“Has there been a moment, in which you felt like crying out with all your heart?”
Well, to start with, my life was nothing more than a play ground… till I was in school. We all know very well that life starts only after that. Till then I dint know the responsibilities, the commitments etc, and my life was actually led by my parents, just like that of almost every teenager in the world. But after coming into the under graduation, almost after two and a half years, I realized that there should be more things that I need to explore… for myself. And that included true friendship, differentiating between the good and the bad, knowing love, discovering the meaning of relations, and how it is to care and to be cared. But I wasn’t that childish to go in search of these things, but they happened just like that in the course of fate.
Friend… the most beautiful word, which has thousand meanings in it. There had always been friends, but never like a remarkable two. They actually made me realize the new definition of how it would feel to be loved and cared for. That was the happy side of the relation. But as people say, misunderstandings lead to better understanding; I started understanding certain things when problems came. Until then, they were so faint and invisible. But as I came closer to my friends, I saw the problems more clearly. Here starts my problem… I always tend to offer my helping hands with out summon...! This quality of mine was the start of the trouble. Friends started thinking that I was poking my nose into their matters, and there came a gap. Now tell me, did u cry under any such situation?
Love… I don’t think I should say much about this, which is a reserved area of every human being’s heart. Only in love, you don’t need to explore things. Everything comes your way… to be more correct, appears to come your way. Those who enjoy this panorama from a distance have a nice experience; but those who get away from the road to take a closer look get hurt too much. They become a lesson for others… an example of where to take diversion, and where not to… I don’t know if I am right contemplating things here, but I leave to you to take the decision. Now tell me, did u cry under any such situation?
Relations… the innocence of the childhood disappeared as I became more, say wiser. Now I hate being able to think on my own, that I am able to make up reasons, and that I am wiser. Though I love my family, I at times had to cheat them for silly reasons. I had been making fun of them, when they had trusted me blind found. That’s the one real reason why I am posting this article. Nothing appears wrong until we are making mistakes. But once I came out of the ground of mistakes and saw what had happened, it was painful like hell to see the ill justice that I had done to all the faith they had on me. It remains in my heart like a small fragment of dust in my eye… pricking me at times… Did the moment u realized that you had been breaking trust bring tears to your eyes? Now tell me, did u ever cry under any such situation?
Then in this final part, I don’t see any mistake in myself. It is my way to care for people infinitely, no matter how long I had known them. But this again was a trouble… people started taking advantage of this character of mine. I lost more than I got. But this was for good. I gained the highest virtue… forgiving. I found it easier for me to forgive people and forget the way they hurt me. I am flabbergasted at myself… the change that I found in me, before 4 years and now. I was less forgiving, more like a crater of vengeance, waiting to score back. But after I started caring for people, when I started loving them, I found myself slowly giving up the habit of expecting each and everything in return… even small things like unanswered calls, unreturned missed calls, and messages seldom replied… wait, I am a human being too… even if I don’t expect volumes of love in return, all I expect from my loved ones is a little piece of remembrance. I hope secretly that they do love me, and care for me, even if they don’t have time to show that explicitly. I will tell them ‘I Miss You’, even if don’t get a reply. I will tell them ‘I Love You’, even if they don’t reply me. I am feeling a greater inclination towards loving, than being loved; but the angle of inclination is not exactly aligned with my plane of view… because of that little grain of expectation that lies in between. When things go like this, I tend to get a micro sized tear in the corner of my eye which comes rolling down my cheek to seep into my barren heart… but before it could cross the that region which is gigantic for its size, it gets dried up. At those times I just ask myself… “Do u have to care this much…? Should you love selflessly...?” I don’t know the answer for these questions, because the key words are not there in my inbuilt library.
First 3 situations are those which are in each and every man and woman. But I find the last case I discussed with you to be more peculiar and a specially made problem for me, and a very few others like me. I really am confused in recognizing faces, in knowing the depth of trust I can have in them, and the amount of love I can expect from them. At times I do feel like a child demanding a candy… demanding for return of attention. I do feel righteous enough to get back what I gave. But when I look at things from the perception of a sensible adult, I know I am wrong. But what life is all about? I really don’t understand what exactly my problem is. I have everything but still I am not satisfied. Its hard for me chose between things… it’s difficult for me to mix emotions in the right proportion. Love and hatred; care and ignorance; expectations and disappointments; dreams and nightmares… these unlike poles form a whirl wind of emotions in me, blinding my senses.
Now I come back to my question. You would have cried for the first 3 reasons and you know that it was because of lack of proper care in handling the situation and relations. If you had cried for the last reason, you surely will know that you are mistake free; and you will also know that you don’t have reasons for why you cry and why it aches so much if not cared in return. That is the essence of humanity. We dint learn smelling that without touching, and may be that’s why we cry for a mistake which is not made by us. Before I end my article, I leave behind a slightly modified question… “Do you know why you cried for the events described in the final part?” If you find the reason, tell me… may be that will give a different direction in which I can think… may be that will plant a new seed in my soul.